I can’t tell you, for sure, when I first got my hands on this. I can remember getting one of the first three ‘issues’, mailing away for it to some unknown P.O. Box after a buddy sent me info about it. He said, “Hey, you like fucked up shit, check out this (forgive me…) ‘zine!” It was perfect – full of dirt, grime, and grainy pictures. Jim & Debbie Goad were a pissed off couple who hated everything, except each-other, and I was obsessed. I got a letter some time later. Something personal was happening, so they were putting ANSWER ME! The First Three together in one issue, with a glossy cover and a bit of supplemental material, to raise some dough. I sent for it the same day! I’ve read this cover to cover HUNDREDS of times. The pages still leave ink stains on my fingers, it’s beat up and worn. I still sometimes worry about the person who finds it after I die… Serial killers, suicides, Dr. Kevorkian – (he was very much alive and in business when they called him. And since the good doctor was dealing death [practicality] right around the corner from me, it was that much cooler!). It still feels wrong, and dirty. I wouldn’t sell it for anything!
I always wanted ANSWER ME! Issue 4, the RAPE issue, and everything else advertised in the back of my copy. I never sent for anything after finding out that the ‘something personal’ that was going on came to a sad end. I didn’t know if address were changed, if people moved around, then it would slip my mind until the next time I picked it up again. I’m going to stop writing this now, so I can read up on what Jim Goad & Goad To Hell have posted on… Goodreads!? Really?! I’m smirking at this, but… hey – freaks of the world, UNITE! Why not there?
I wish I could take credit for finding this actual product, and the reviews, but the props go to Sulu. George Takei posted this Book on social networking, highlighting one of the comments / reviews. It was funny, as everything George Takei posts is, but… I kept reading – and I read comment gold!
I hope that your funny-bone is as crooked as mine!
How to Avoid Huge Ships by Captain John W. TrimmerSECOND EDITION
Subtitled: Or: I Never Met a Ship I Liked
The first edition of this hook was self-published from the author’s home in Seattle. It is a maritime operations guidance book, intended for a specialized audience (the captains or operators of small private boats such as yachts and trawlers), the book gives advice on appropriate avoidance actions when confronted by the near presence of a large ship such as a freighter, along with anecdotes and background information such as the capabilities and operating procedures of the large ships.
This book gets a rating of 3.7 out of 5 stars, and has a whopping 983 customer reviews, and that number is rising every few minutes. (It’s gone up by 4 just during the time it took to write this post!) (Reviews up to 1056 now! Sulu’s post sure brought us weirdos out!)- Amazon does not have this book available for purchase, but it does link you to 27 people who are selling it – with prices starting at $129.06 for used copies, and $225.18 for new ones – rising to ridiculous amounts – all the way up to $1899.33!
THE REVIEWS: The posts included here range from…
“I found this book very informative an well written. ”
– from: Truffle (46 reviewers made a similar statement)
“I tore open its cardboard protective layer like a lion tearing into a fallen antelope. ”
– from: Artemis Finkel (42 reviewers made a similar statement)
TO FUNNY –
“Now I know what that steering wheel thingy is for”
5/5 Stars from: Cap’n Crunch:
This book really is one of the best huge ship avoidance references I’ve come across, not just for the effective methods it teaches as to avoiding huge ships, but also for exploding some of the huge ship avoidance myths that many of us take for granted.
– Do not charge the huge ship at full speed in an attempt to scare it off. This may work with coyotes, but it is less effective with huge ships.
– Similarly, do not roll your boat over and play dead. Unless the huge ship is captained by a grizzly bear, this will not work.
– Do not attempt to go under the huge ship. This is typically not successful.
– Do not attempt to jump over the huge ship.
Captain Trimmer presents a rather novel technique for avoiding huge ships – move your boat out of the path of the huge ship. I know what you’re thinking, this goes against conventional wisdom, but Trimmer presents significant empirical evidence to support his theory. Indeed, over the long run, moving out of the way will dramatically decrease the number of huge ship collisions you will have to endure in your daily life.
TO HILARIOUS –
“Reads like a whodunnit!”
5/5 Stars from Citizenfitz:
I bought How to Avoid Huge Ships as a companion to Captain Trimmer’s other excellent titles: How to Avoid a Train, and How to Avoid the Empire State Building. These books are fast paced, well written and the hard won knowledge found in them is as inspirational as it is informational. After reading them I haven’t been hit by anything bigger than a diesel bus. Thanks captain!
TO REVIEWS FROM INANIMATE OBJECTS –
“Good Advice For Most Readers, But Doesn’t Cover All The Bases.”
3/5 Stars from: Jamie:
There is one major oversight in this generally well-written book, and that is that it addresses animate readers exclusively. As a large rock in the Tyrrhenian Sea off the coast of Giglio Island, I have recently been confronted with instances in which avoiding huge ships was of fundamental interest to my personal well-being. However, the methods presented in Capt. Trimmer’s book were none too useful in my efforts to avoid huge ships, as I was recently struck by a very large ship indeed, a cruise vessel called the ‘Costa Concordia’. I think the ship came off slightly worse in the exchange, but the experience was disruptive to my afternoon and rather jarring. In a situation such as this, Capt. Trimmer’s advice would have been immensely beneficial to humans, fish, seabirds, and other animals, but I am none of those things. I’m a big rock. I can’t zig-zag or duck and cover. Rocks don’t do that. I’ve tried. I tried some time ago to scoot over to the left a bit to get some better sunlight, and it took me three thousand years! That’s not fast enough to avoid even the slowest huge ships. It is for precisely this reason that I would advise Capt. Trimmer to augment this edition with a section intended for readers like me–perhaps “How To Avoid Huge Ships If You Are A Rock, Iceberg, Or Coral Reef”. There is a market out there for this, Capt. Trimmer, and I assure you it would be well worth your time and effort.
AND REVIEWS FROM OTHER SHIPS –
“Large beamed, please!”
1/5 Stars from: Altair Voyager:
I am a huge ship. Imagine having an entire book devoted toward actively avoiding you and your kind. I have always been bigger than other ships – and yes, I have endured years of being moared in the distance, never being able to enter the shallower bays, requiring tugs to guide me in – but now THIS! Mr. Trimmer, you sir, should be ashamed! Please do not be swayed by his drivel. I ask that you judge me not by the size of my cargo hatch but rather the content of my wheelhouse.
“End the Discrimination!”
1/5 Stars from Michael P.Ball:
For privacy concerns, call me Ishmael. I am a large ship. I’m saddened to see the anti-big ship lobby is at it again.
THERE ARE REVIEWS AS SONG LYRICS –
“I like big ships and I cannot lie.”
5/5 Stars from: Amy Hopkins:
I like big ships and I cannot lie
You other tugs can’t deny
That when a tanker floats in with an itty bitty porthole
And a round ship’s wheel in your face
You spring a leak
Wanna pull up anchor
’cause you notice those containers were stuffed
Deep in the cargo hold she’s carrying
Help other customers find the most helpful review
AND, REVIEWS FROM ‘CONFUSED’ BOOK BUYERS –
“Caution: Check the title before purchase”
3/5 Stars from: Graham Thomas:
I live near a park and frequently walk around the local area. Given the amount of dog mess that is on the pavements I thought this book would be the ideal read to stop me having to scrape my shoes on the grass before going home. It was only after it arrived that I looked closely at the title and realised it said ‘How to Avoid Huge SHIPS‘. A simple error that means I am still treading on massive examples of canine excrement. Having said that, I read the book anyway, and I’m pleased to say I’m not even having near misses with huge ships anymore. No sir, they aint getting anywhere near me!
AND THEN, THERE ARE THE REVIEWS FROM INSIDE THE ASYLUM –
“Extra-Biblical traditions regarding huge ship avoidance.”
5/5 Stars from: Salomon Isaacides:
As reported by Epiphanius, and confirmed in modern times with the discovery of Trimmer’s texts at Nag Hammadi. Noah’s wife is said to have found many copies of Captain Trimmer’s writing’s in abandoned pastures. Ancient rabbinical homiletical interpretations of “How to Avoid Huge Ships” reveal the popularity of this book among unicorn herders of this time
Even the one star reviews are only posted for the sake hilarity, I could search and find one to post that is a bad review, but – nah! Let’s keep it all for fun!
How to avoid this book!
1/5 Stars from Darren Moran:
This review is from: How to Avoid Huge Ships (Paperback)
Stumbled across this while looking for books on how to attract huge ships. This book is awful and vaguely racist.
I didn’t get close to reading even 10% of these! Even though there are bound to be many that are the same, I can predict at least an hour’s worth of fun from the review section of this book’s Amazon page!!
*WIKIPEDIA has a page dedicated to this book, some of the book’s synopsis came from there. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/88888
*This title can also be found on GOODREADS. The comments from members are practically the same as on Amazon – and, the numbers are rising fast!
WOULD YOU BE INTERESTED IN SEEING MORE FUNNY/AWESOME PRODUCT REVIEWS?
I’m thinking of adding a page strictly for this, and updating it as I find them.
Have you found, or posted, any reviews that you NEED to share – so you’re not laughing alone?
Share here, in the comments! I’ll be sure they make it to the new page, too – If I make it…
Witches’ hats and harvest moon
Ghosts that dance to haunted tune
Apples, goodies, food galore Halloween has this and more!
I know that there are a lot of haters when it comes to Silver’s books, but I’m never ashamed to admit that I’ve loved her writing since I picked up my copy of To Ride a Silver Broomstick: New Generation Witchcraft all those years ago.
HALLOWEEN: SPELLS, RECIPES & CUSTOMS is a very fun book, as well as informative. She does most of her own illustrations, and they mesh with her writing beautifully. As much as you think you know about Halloween / Samhain, I’ll bet that you’ll still learn something new here. A bit of history, a yummy new recipe, or maybe even a new way to to try that spell you just can’t get to take!
It’s a great book for everybody, Christian or Pagan.
5 of 5 stars
Blessed Be )0(
I am The First Shadow of the Revolution! Let me explain…
“A great revolution in just one single individual will help achieve a change in the destiny of a society and, further, will enable a change in the destiny of humankind.”
― Daisaku Ikeda
JACK CHASER, fellow blogger and, writer of The Things I See Up Here, was thinking about these ‘blogger awards’ we sometimes are honored with being chosen for. I, like him & every other blogger I know, am very grateful, and I feel very humble (and giddy!) when nominated for one.
To quote from his post directly, he writes –
“The basic concept behind the awards passed around the blogosphere is simple. It’s a chain letter. You pass it off to others who then select a chosen few to perpetuate the cycle. It is a great way to help drive traffic from the blogs you have selected back to your own blog by making it part of the “rules” that the recipients have to link back to you.”
I’d really like you to read his post, because, he explains how these awards can quickly turn from Prestigious Award to a headache of a task when you can’t award just anyone back. You must adhere to a strict set of conditions, always sticking to someone else’s rules.
Jack is the first to slam his fist down & shout “NO MORE!”
Again, I quote –
“Why can’t I give the ” Blogger I’d Like to Fuck ” award to someone who posts photos of food they have cooked that looks so good I want to lick the computer screen? Why can’t I give the “Best Moment” award to someone who posts a video of their kid falling asleep on the toilet?”
“This moment, as you read this is the birth of a revolution. We, as writers, literally shape this world we have created and a revolution begins with a single change. I want to change the way we think about each other and the way we appreciate each other.”
And, that is what he has done! He has made a brand new award! One to be passed like a torch to any blogger who inspires us, or touches us. One that has no rules or stipulations. No seven facts about your genitals, or eleven reasons why you write what you write or your top 69 favorite foods. The only requirement… pay it forward.
Bestow it upon a blogger who made you smile, (or laugh, or cry) today.
Present it to someone who treats their blog as they would their novel.
Pay it forward to someone you think deserves it.
What a fantabulous idea!
The very first recipient for the Revolution Award is… Ohmigod, IT’S ME!!
Let me tell you why he chose me, so you know why I am overcome with emotion, and why it means so very much to me – “Her work at giving a voice to new authors who wouldn’t normally get noticed is beyond exemplary. She deserves great accolades for directing the paths of anyone who reads her work towards some of the best new indie horror I have ever seen. In a world where that bitch that cashed in on the Twilight franchise simply because soccer moms hadn’t yet been introduced to Fifty Shades of boredom, I feel it is beyond my honor to point anyone I can towards her work.”
So to all of you reading this, pay it forward. Take this award as your own to bestow on anyone who inspires you. If they choose to honor you by telling everyone about you , so be it. I believe in the freedom to tell someone they are talented without having to list out the seven types of bowel movements you have had in the last month.
Before I present anyone else with this award, I would like to present it to it’s maker. I think Jack Chaser deserves The Revolution Award not only for creating what I hope will be the new way of acknowledging greatness in the blogosphere, but, for providing me with countless laughs from reading about his contractor nightmares!
I’m married into a family of contractors, so when I laugh at his stories, my laughs turn into leg slaps and belly aches!
Stories of rooftop dildo fights, customers saying things like… ” I like my contractors the same way I like all the men in my life. Anal.”, and catching people, literally, with their pants down, have me reading his posts aloud to my husband, so he can share in the laughter. He, in turn, takes the stories back to work to share with his dad.
Let’s not forget the pictures he provides!! He deserves the award for showing us his purple ass, and telling us how it got that way!!
And, they all have such great titles!
The Vagina Dentata Story, It’s Raining Men, Smells, The Fattest Man Alive, and The Last Square, just to name a few!
It is my honor to present The Revolution Award to JACK CHASER, one of the first blogs I ever followed. For making me smile, for making me feel special, and – For Being Who He Is. JACK CHASER.
I pick this one up every time someone close to me dies, so…needless to say, my copy is pretty worn and well read. Should actually be 59 things to do when there is nothing to be done, since reading this book is one thing I do every time.